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So one of the key differences between the left and right is one side’s willingness to leave you alone. Sure, all politicians want power, but clearly one kind is more invasive than the other. So meet public enemy number one: Peanut the Squirrel – apparently the most sinister rodent since Adam Schiff. Or he was until the state of New York decided he had to go.
His crimes seem to have been something to do with living indoors, unlike half of New York City. I guess if he had a tent and smoked meth, he’d still be with us. But last week, agents from the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation unleashed a five-hour raid on the home of Peanut’s owner, Mark Longo, and took Peanut into custody.
Five hours! Probably took that long to put on the little handcuffs. But thanks to a full ten agents, prepared for heavy resistance, Peanut was apprehended with minimal injury. They must have spent the full five hours patting down his nuts. But for these brave agents of New York’s Environmental Conservation, this was their Bin Laden. Clearly, Peanut had to go. A rodent Nazi, a nut-zi, if you will, because in New York, they don’t want squirrels taking your nuts, just the pediatricians. Now, Peanut had a co-conspirator – Fred, the raccoon.
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Obviously a criminal because he was always wearing a mask. Fred was also removed in the raid and, like, Peanut – executed. No trial, no jury, no due process, nothing. It’s as if they were at the Capitol on January 6th. Maybe they were the ones who crapped on Pelosi’s desk. Now, the state claims they had to euthanize both animals so that they could be tested for rabies after Peanut bit one of the officials. Yes, a bite that occurred during the raid, meaning the state claims they solved the problem that they themselves caused.
Peanut the squirrel enjoys some peanuts in this photo shared on Instagram. (peanut_the_squirrel12 via Instagram)
They raided a house, antagonized a terrified squirrel, and when it bit them, put it down. Case closed. The city is now safe from one adorable rodent. As for the owner, he and his wife think someone ratted them out. Turns out they have an OnlyFans page where they post porn, and that page helped them rake in hundreds of thousands of dollars, which they used to buy their 350 acre property.
Now, as a New York state resident, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the state’s commitment to my safety. You know, I was starting to think that with all this crime and homelessness and migrant chaos, things were going in the wrong direction. But now, thank God, we’re back to law and order. First with the squirrels. Now the joke about priorities is obvious, but the process itself isn’t. Big government, by its nature, only sees itself as growing bigger. And as it grows, so does its intrusiveness. But as they wish to control every aspect of your life, they forgo the basics they were initially designed to cover: crime, sanitation, homelessness. Only instead to focus on stupid s— like your pets, your lemonade stands, your pronouns. And why? Well, what is government made of? Bureaucrats.
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Maybe we ought to thank China for inventing a virus that acted more like smelling salts for us and woke the average citizen the f— up. Now, I’m not saying Peanut’s death just flipped New York, but you want to ‘red pill’ America? Raid their homes and murder their pets.
